‎5 years ago my math teacher warned me that I needed to know all about Pythagoras theorem in order to succeed in life and understand my existence in the universe and so I studied and worked hard and learned the truth about Pythagoras. Now I’m a sad, lonely, anti-social being with a failing sex life and an allergy to cats. My math teacher is going to be receiving a strongly worded letter demanding she tell me where Pythagoras is now whenever I need him most.

It’ll be lonely this Christmas… WTF did you expect though?

Last night I had a really graphic sex dream that I wasn’t even in.

Why is this my life?

When people say “Crying myself to sleep because I’m alone.”

You know who else is crying themselves to sleep?

African children, because they have no food or water or shelter.

So, just, you know, fuck up. Unless you also have no food, water or shelter.